I know that I'm not unique in my inability to sleep like "normal" people. I'm not even unique in my family for this. I always just wrote it off as a weird insomnia thing, but it turns out it's not that either. Apparently Bipolar runs in my family, especially the women (go figure). Ok...so I likely have undiagnosed Bipolar. I actually started to write that "I am an undiagnosed Bipolar." But that seems wrong, because it isn't what or who I am. It is simply a name for a...something. A medical condition? No, I'm not ill. It isn't like a virus or a cancer. It is more like a vague description for the way my mind works.
Bipolar disorder is defined as a mood disorder or a mental disorder that is characterized by swings in mood from the manic, elative highs to depressive lows. What do I do with that? It is so unbelievable that my life and such a large part of the way my mind works can be described with such simple words.
I have a friend that is a nurse, she thinks that I likely just have ADHD. I'm betting anyone reading this is thinking, "So talk to a doctor!" Two problems: I can't afford health insurance, so I definitely can't afford a shrink, and I did talk to a shrink once, it did nothing for me. Admittedly I was talking to the shrink about the death of a friend...and I was a teenager, some 15 years ago. But I still have this overriding feeling associated with the experience, mostly of disgust. The disgust is two fold. 1) He couldn't see beyond my shell, the outward persona I wrap myself in when dealing with people outside of immediate family and close friends. 2) The one attempt I made to "unveil" myself and really talk about the things in my head, left a soul deep feeling of wrongness, that is impossible to truly describe.
Don't get me wrong, I know that Therapists, Psychologists, etc. really do help people. I am very happy for those people, but it seems like there should be other options, too. I don't want drugs, even though they have helped my family members, I am not really interested. Most of the time I am good with the way I am. Of course, the thought of being more mellow and not having to fight through the mood swings, of having an easier time with keeping track of time, and of maybe even being a better mom are all truly, ridiculously tempting. But the thought of loosing those glorious times when my mind is rushing a hundred miles an hour and everything is so clear, that I feel like if I just find the right thread of information I can unravel the universe; loosing that would be devastating. I gladly take the downs for those ups.
The downs use to be worse, before I met my husband, before the kids. I felt so alone and isolated then. In my late teens and early twenties, my downs felt like someone took a giant scoop and tore out my heart and stomach. I think if I had been offered pills then I would have taken them. In those days, the ups were not a balance for the downs. I spent a lot of time feeling hollow and almost emotionless. I wondered what was wrong with me, but mentioned it to no one. I was scared to tell my family that I could only occasionally feel anything but emotionally empty. I mean how do you tell that to loved ones? "I know I love you, because I remember feeling it for you, but right now I feel nothing."? Or, "Most of the time the only emotion I feel is a distant echo of anger or fear."? How are they supposed to respond to that? I think if that had been said to me I would have been hurt and then called for a 72 hour psych hold.
I am so glad that emptiness is gone now. Filled with the love I have for my husband and children. They are my daily medicine. A hug and a kiss from my babies always makes me feel better (often even when I am justifiably pissed at something they did, I can be such a push over).
Well, it's after 2 now. I such try to sleep. Better sleep usually makes for better days and less mood swings.
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